On the Life Cycle of the Evil Clown

Every week those who take an interest in the unusual learn of a new case of evil clown infestation. More and more often these cases refer to the increasingly common tribal subspecies, but the traditionally more prevalent lone wolf still continues to make the headlines.

Some evil clowns are looming out of the dark, making people feel that they are strange like in the Doors song. Others are jumping out from bushes and leering at women, children and the frail elderly – often leading to bowel evacuation or the  “collywobbles” as well as several confirmed cases of the heebie jeebies.

In France gangs of evil clowns are mugging innocent passers by while in America they are committing cruel pranks. There are evil Clowns in London and debauched parents are even hiring them to terrify their children !!! … but who are they really? The classic evil clown article “On the Life Cycle of the Evil Clown” was dictated some years back by the Very Reverend Sir John Creepy Hawley (of the Throwly-Crawley-Bawley-Hawleys) to one of the contributors to the Parish magazine of Little Horwood, Bucks…in this rare document he described how…

” Some people consider evil clowns to be a menace to society (and if an area has evil clown overgrowth this may indeed be true), but I prefer to see them as a colourful addition to our much denuded eco-system. Apparently though, on more than one occasion local constabularies or Sheriffs departments in various countries have had to request that the public should desist from shooting evil clowns with firearms, air rifles, bb guns or crossbows, as this has lead to several innocent revelers and professional entertainers being injured…

…one New England Sheriff suggested that evil clown infestation may be safely and more humanely cleared through a car window with a high powered slingshot, a bucket of ice cubes and the engine running

… on the other side of the equation animal rights campaigners and humanitarians have felt it necessary to join together and set up evil clown sanctuaries for evil clowns injured by pellets or impaled with crossbow bolts etc. These rescue centers and sanctuaries have met with mixed result and have had problems with a high level of volunteer burnout due to the ever present leering, looming, and jumping out qualities of the evil clowns being rehabilitated. However these sanctuaries have had some success and have happily re-homed many evil clowns, sending them back into their natural habitats of highway verges, shadowy underpasses, car-parks and the like, where they continue to thrive…..

…..On evil clown reproduction there is currently a shortage of clear information. Right at the start we can dismiss the prosaic theory that evil clowns hatch out from large eggs of a purplish hue that are laid by laughing clown fortune machines when they are hit by the rays of the full moon on a misty night, we can also dismiss the suggestion that they are generally a form of mischievous or malevolent Djinn, although a less common subspecies has been clearly demonstrated to be such….

After failing to observe any sexually reproductive behaviour between evil clowns, yet observing their numbers continually growing I have come to the conclusion that under normal circumstances they engage in asexual reproductive activity. Indeed I observed them frantically engaged in this activity several times whilst they were watching reruns of Charlies Angels, although I missed the actual moment at which point I suspect that they undergo binary fission

Anyway the Verger and I….I mean a group of anonymous researchers has recently dissected several evil clowns that were caught in the wild and … apparently…  They discovered that the specimens studied were all human beings or of very similar form – possibly due to parallel development? These dissection subjects were however distinguishable by certain unusual features…

…these being a preponderance to exceptionally small or exceptionally large genitalia (the size of the genitals being proportionally inverse that of the brain), acne (it has been suggested that this is caused by regular use of paste makeup but this has been denied by skeptics) and older specimens generally were much more likely to have a pot belly and a high level of body hair than is the case in the normal human population…

…It is clear that our stu….I mean it is clear that this anonymous study had some weaknesses (although it was not fundamentally flawed and I’m qui…I mean they are quite proud of it) and contained some basic research errors. For example one subject had to be removed from the statistical analysis when it was found he was not an evil clown, but was “Coco” a popular local children’s entertainer, whilst another specimen had to be removed from the study when it was discovered that he was Derek Jones, who had been on his way to a fancy dress party. Anonymous apologies were made by the researchers to the relevant families and each was sent a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers.”

“..and I would like to say that I wish people would have more sympathy for these poor creatures. Once you get used to their natural looming, jumping out, staring, threatening and attempted mugging behaviours (which are after all just their nature) then they are really quite attractive and colourful things in their on way…

I have taken in several as pets and they are excellent at preventing canvassers and hawkers bothering me, they seem to be quite healthy and happy on a diet of fish and chips, soft drinks and and other beverages and since I got my nephew’s old Sega Megadrive games console out of the attic, far fewer have run away…

…Furthermore by using classical and operant conditioning (and aided with an electric cattle prod) I have managed to teach them the basics of Queens English, table manners and how to make a good pot of tea with lovely scones and cucumber sandwiches, though I have found that they seem to find it difficult to discern the difference between salt and sugar and they also seem to have great trouble comprehending the proper ingredients of chocolate mousse, both regularly leading to unfortunate results, so I do admit that their training is a work in progress…

The Very Reverend Sir John Creepy Hawley’s study aside, current, public and more reliable research indicates that a large proportion of evil clowns are in fact human, male, narcissistic, fetishistic, sadistic pranksters with nocturnal tendencies (a subspecies is diurnal) and a quick look at the relevant Wikipedia page will reveal a whole list of mainly fictional evil clowns, who are variously probably the perversely inspirational figures for their real life counterparts*.

There are of course those who suspect that evil clowns, disguised in normal human dress, have infiltrated British and American politics, George Bush junior and Tony Blair being key examples (apparently they thought the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq were hilarious pranks on all involved and it was this that kept the cheesy grin painted on Tony Blair’s face for so many years).

Others have suggested that not only are George Osbourne and Nicolas Clegg evil clowns pitifully trying to disguise themselves as human beings, but that their distant less malevolent relatives, the odius buffoons, have also infiltrated the London Mayors office. As one unnamed observer put it to me “have you not noticed the thinly veiled clown act of Boris Johnson, do you really believe that he is really human?” Look Here

must read…

Tory Elder Statemen – UKIP a Collection of Clowns

George Osbourne identified 1

George Osbourne identified 2

House of Commons full of Evil Clowns!

*Of course the issue of whether fictional evil clowns can also take on a reality within the collective unconsciousness, a reality that some people who are emotionally lost and confused may start to actualize by identification – quite simply as an attempted cure for their own (repressed or conscious) emotional pain and turmoil. Consciously or unconsciously reborn as an evil clown – they have undertaken the reaction of the one who feels oppressed by self-identifying with the powerful image of the evil clown, quite simply as an attempt to try and turn the tables on what they have experienced as an “unfair society”. Of course if applied too widely this “Jungian cum Lefty” type of explanation of the etiology of the evil clown would be total poopoo, because most of them are just very, very naughty boys and very, very weird men who like scaring people. 

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